GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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