Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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