I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
