I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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