We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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