and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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