this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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