i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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