I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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