ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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