I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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