Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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