My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
