We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
