i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Gay?
German.
Pity.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
