Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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