I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
