State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
