Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
