Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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