Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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