Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
