maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
