so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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