I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
