You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
