listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
