when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
