I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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