I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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