1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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