I puked a lego.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Randomize
