Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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