I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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