in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
