he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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