There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
