It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My bed smells like the plague
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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