dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
