I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
