I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Your cock deserves a montage
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
