Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize