just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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