dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
