Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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