My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
