The best revenge is premature balding
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
