Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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