i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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