Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
