I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
