we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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