Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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