There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
