I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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