I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
