Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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