My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I need to stop coming to work sober
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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